Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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