so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
