Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
