never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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