My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
