I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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