I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
