Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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