My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Randomize
