so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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