Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
