Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
