So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
