My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Drunk is not a location!
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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