entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
