i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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