Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
