Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
