we have pet lesbian snakes
we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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