no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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