I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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