8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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