i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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