mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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