Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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