she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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