I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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