just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
