It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
