Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
