If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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