I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
