I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
