Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
