She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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