I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
