I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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