does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
