chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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