A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Life without a bra equals bliss.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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