so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
