quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
