I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
