the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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