you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
