All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Im part way to drunk.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
