Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
