i don't like sucking hair
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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