I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
