So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
